Have you ever had a time in your life when you can honestly say eveything was perfect? I used to think people that believed that were talking complete bollocks, but this year I became a believer. I have a gorgeous house, an amazing man who takes care of me, a sweet step son, and I was going to be a mum. Yup, I was pregnant with a little girl.
Can you guess what happened next? If your guess was that I lost her at 25 weeks and had to attend the funeral of my unborn child you would be bang on target. In a nutshell my rosy perspective of the perfect world around me faded significantly, as it would. My old views on life returned, life's a bitch and then you die.
I often long to be caked on the tremendous amounts of morphine I was under during the induced labour they had brought on to get her out of me. I can't seem to get drunk either, my body just isn't processing alcohol with the same ferocity it used to. It seems my body has sentenced me to the tedious sobriety of 'dealing with it'.
The only thing I can do to focus the issue is doing work to make me feel like I am doing her justice. So, and if you think this is ridiculous I don' blame you, I set up an ebay shop in her name. Maggie's Treasure Trove. Yeah, we called her Maggie. A cute name for my sweet little girl, don't you think? I check in to see how it is doing every single day. I type her name into the computer several times a day. I question whether I am torturing myself with it, but at the same time I feel it is the only good I can do.
Until I can see through a single day without asking 'why me?' I have to carry on trying to do her some justice. Whether I am doing the right thing I just don't know, but I have to try it anyway.
